On Being Afraid

If you're like me you have a lot of fears when it comes to your art. I almost didn't get the degree I got because I was afraid of having to show that much of me to a group of people. I knew my art was revealing enough that there wouldn't be many question. Now, thats how I interpreted what was going to happen if I got through the portfolio review process, everyone would know everything about me, and what they didn't know they could guess pretty easily. I was terrified walking in, shaking, hear racing etc. I had only shown work to professors I knew really well, and always at an ascending level. The problem wasn't that I thought my work was bad, I was actually fairly proud of the portfolio that I put together for the review, the problem was that I was afraid I had been too transparent in my work and they would either think I was oversharing or that I wasn't developed enough to maintain myself in the program. 

I got in. The work was good. But it was too revealing at least for my style. I am no Nan Goldin, I am a good Irish Catholic raised girl who likes to talk around the issue. As much as any therapist can say about that, it actually helped my work that I was kind of a chicken when it came to outright saying what it meant, it forced me to creatively say those dark and twisty things without having everyone come out with bruises on their heads from the hammer I hit them with. 

And since we're talking about fear, how about the fear of putting work up in the gallery (after spending all semester getting comfortable with the professors and other students) for the whole fucking world to see. Well, a good portion of the staff and everyone's parents. I have never felt so nervous in my life. So fearful that someone was going to figure me out as a phony, someone who never deserved to be making work in the first place. 

And the beautiful thing was none of that happened. However I said to myself, and a few friends if I ever go into a show where my work is hanging and I don't feel like I'm going to throw up a little, I think it's time for a new career.