We're going to get serious again today kids, I'm sorry, but I've had an incredibly frustrating week and I think I need to work out some stuff.
How do you make art when you don't feel safe? Safe is a pretty broad term and for this purpose I'm going to define it as secure and confident. There are a lot of other ways that relate to my life that I could talk about as far as safety goes (I've already discussed safe spaces), but for now we're going to talk about security and confidence.
Every artist knows going in that choosing a creative field is no guarantee, security goes out the window the second that paint brush, camera, pencil, piece of clay, musical instrument or anything else gets put in your hand and you feel something different, something powerful, something you've never felt before. You feel at home even though you don't know what you're doing yet, and the excitement and passion that grows from those first few years create what I'm going to dub the "new artist bubble" some groups call it a pink cloud. Inevitably that bubble is burst or that cloud is darkened when you realize that your extremely talented peers are your competition, your mentors who you admire and aspire to be like are only just scraping by, and you can't get a job with health insurance (okay maybe that one is personal, but COME ON).
On top of that you have your personal security and safety to worry about, for me at the moment I don't feel safe in where I'm living, I don't feel secure in my day job. I'm struggling, less so than a month ago because I made some important changes for my mental and physical health. Some days are better than others, but some days I sit and I feel like I can't keep it up.
So I ask myself, can I see myself doing anything else? Could I live with myself if I walked away from a potential art career without even trying? Am I frustrated because I'm not patient? The answers to those questions are no, no, and yes respectively. I don't feel safe or secure in this path that I've chosen for myself, but I don't want anything else for myself. And for the other stuff, the housing situation, the shitty job, the lack of any funds whatsoever, hopefully that won't be a long term problem.
I put a lot of pressure on myself, I have the disease of "I want it now, and I want more", and I don't really know how to give myself a break when it comes to that. I don't know how to make myself feel more safe or secure. Maybe the answer is to become less safe and secure. Take more risks instead of obsessing over the ones that I'm taking now.
I do know one thing, there's nothing more satisfying than making a photograph from start to finish and seeing it hanging on a wall for people to see. There's also nothing more terrifying than putting your soul on that very same wall to share with those very same people. So maybe I will throw caution to the wind, maybe I will take more risks and try to free myself of this strange guilt I have for choosing a field like this. Maybe I have to stop listening to certain people in my life.
I welcome any and all advice on this.
That's all for today