When the Depression Breaks: I'm not ignoring you because I hate you, I'm ignoring you because I hate myself

It's been a long time since I've written, I've started blog entry over blog entry, I wrote about things that I am not willing to share with the world just yet. I wrote about feeling ashamed. 

Today instead, I'm going to write about the feeling that washes over a person with severe mental illness when they realize an episode is over. Of course it's different for everyone, usually for me it's a gradual climb up (which is the preferable version because the other way I have to look out for mania). This time I was driving home from a job interview, which I did pretty well at (I got the gig!). The only way I can describe it is if someone cracked me over the head and it hurt for a hot second, and then a sense of relief trickled down my body, I relaxed, I took a deep breath, and I said outloud to myself that "This one is over". 

I can't accurately describe the relief, I can however use some worn out metaphors to try to get my point across. It's invisible chains that are really heavy, and they aren't just around your wrists and ankles, it's a full on Silence of the Lambs esque holding system. Movement is hard, thinking is hard, writing is hard, getting out of bed is hard. But when it breaks it's the most beautiful feeling in the world, like someone you love came and unlocked all those chains and then gave you the warmest hug ever. 

As someone with chronic illness, I don't have any romantic ideas of this being it. I'd love for this to be it, but the reality is in a couple of months I'll be reduced to just going to work and spending a lot of time watching trash TV. 

But that in between time, it's hard to explain, it's so beautiful, and tends to show me the beauty of the human race, it gives me the energy to answer text messages and e-mails (hence the subtitle). 

I'd like to use this temporarily 93% stable Bri to specify that I don't ignore your texts and calls maliciously, I ignore them because my energy is taken up by really tiny things, and having a consistent conversation with someone is REALLY hard during a depressive episode. I've lost a lot of friends this way, the "fadeaway" way, I don't mean it. I'd like to ask my friends to do me a small favor, please don't give up on me. I still love you. I'm just exhausted and a bit sad a lot of the time. 

Anyway, the good news is I feel really good right now, I hope it lasts for a long time. Meds help. People caring helps. Having a break like I've had the past few weeks helps. Being productive helps. 

For those of you who've stuck by me, thank you. So much. There aren't words. 

For those of you who haven't, I understand, it's not easy being the friend of someone with a mental illness. I still love you. 

And for those of you who were really shitty, I don't need you in my life. I hope you find peace elsewhere. 

Today I am grateful that my mind feels good. My energy feels good. I feel like I have some power back. 

Anyway, it's time for work.

With love

Bri