The title of this post is a little misleading, and I apologize for that, but I do want to hit home before I get into the meat of it is that at this current moment I am happier than I have been in a long long time. My relationships with friends and family have been wonderful and healing or mending and changing. There is a long way to go, an almost unfathomably long way to go in my personal journey of healing and change, but I am happy to be on that journey good days and bad. I am making a concerted effort to better myself, and to recognize when I’m not being my best self (I hate myself for using that phrase too, I’m sorry). I still don’t see much of a future, but at least I’m enjoying my now (ugh I hate myself a little more for using that one).
Now that I’ve given you more than enough of the happy stuff, or at least my version of happy, lets go a bit darker, I would like to have some words with whoever came up with the design flaw of invasive thinking, because I could be driving right along enjoying my lack of traffic on a Saturday night and my brain could be like HEY TURN THE WHEEL AND HIT THE GAS. I see no evolutionary benefit to that shit, other parts of bipolar and mental illness, absolutely, but I see no benefit. Anyway, for me at least, there’s different kinds, there’s the “I’m probably going to act on that and regret it”, there’s the “That’s ridiculous shut the fuck up” and then of course there’s “damn that’s dark even for you”. I wish I could understand why these little asshole thoughts, and sometimes actions from those thoughts, come up at inopportune times when you’re actually enjoying life. Sarah Silverman describes one such thought “if I don’t pass this crack in the road before that car passes me I’m going to die” an audience member makes a noise of recognition and she responds with “that’s not just you that’s everyone”. The weirdest thing about these annoyances is how sometimes they aren’t dark at all sometimes they’re just really odd, and you have to talk yourself out of rearranging everything at work so both you and your coworkers aren’t very confused the next day. I think for me stopping the intrusiveness is acknowledging how ridiculous it is to think about driving your car into the middle divider. It’s absurd. Or coming up with some temporary superstition in order to add some balance and order to your chaotic world. I wish I knew more about neuroscience or psychology so I could understand why these thoughts slither through our brains, but for now I think I will just appreciate how amazing it is that my brain gives me the gift of a little excitement every now and then when it feels I’ve been getting a little too comfortable.