Answer the Phone

I did not write yesterday. I think I have a good enough excuse for it, and this is probably the most candid I will be on this blog so if that’s not your thing move along. I think sharing this might help some people so I’ve decided to tell my story. Yesterday, I had a feeling, it was a feeling I had only had once before and it ended up causing a lot of pain, it came on so quickly, intensely and suddenly I could not stop it. It was the feeling that I was not going to survive, that I was terminal. I do not really believe in fate, but I think this time it did come in a phone call that I was, at that point, hoping would not come. In the instant I answered the darkest parts of that feeling disappeared, the interruption, the calm on the other end, and the change of pace in my thought process all pushed out the worst of the intrusiveness.
I think the lesson in this is as quickly as that true valid thought comes it can be interrupted just as quickly. That a conversation that was not pushed to be about what exactly was happening could interrupt the thought process enough to ground myself. Maybe it’s a walk, maybe it’s a long drive, maybe its being reminded you are loved. I don’t know. I got lucky yesterday. I got lucky I made the original call, I got lucky of the timing of the return.
I still don’t know what my long term fate will be, I am incredibly aware of it, I have a disorder that’s incredibly hard to treat, but I’m lucky enough that there are people willing to be that interruption without judgement, and with incredibly good timing.
I hope to be back to somewhat less intense subject matter as soon as possible, but you have to give it to me it’s been kind of a shit run. One that seems to be on a small climb up despite the brain stuff. For now though, I am here, I am aware, I am living.