I respond to tragedy the same every time. Almost to the hour. First I feel nothing, then I feel a lot, but my intuition is to keep trying to feel nothing, then I finally let myself feel it and then I feel better. If anyone has a word that means having an incredible amount of self awareness but using none of it, that’s probably the word that you’d use to describe me. I give great advice but I’m shit at taking it myself. Today I stood in the shower for what felt like an hour (it was probably 20 minutes) making the water hotter and hotter while I stared at this odd tile. Trying to form words or thoughts or like even move a little bit, all I could think about how boring this tile was, like why flowers in grey tones, why are there two different very distinctly shaped leaves? Where is the center of that one flower because the dots are all over the fucking place. Also the highlights are just weirdly placed?
See I just gave you 49 words on that tile and I don’t even like it. The brain is a weird place.
Not my best work, but it’s a tile, it is boring. Grief is weird. I tried a couple of times to put words to what it feels like but there’s not really anything in my brain that can put those feelings into words. Like new wounds next two and intertwined with the freshly healed ones, but that’s kind of gruesome and I don’t want any of you to take me literally.
When I was driving home today I thought about all the little and big and gigantic connections I have made with people in the past few years. I think the last three years of my life I have made connections or deepened old ones more than I ever have before. I let myself lean on people, people leaned on me. I learned lessons from people I never thought I’d be close to. I mended broken parts of friendships, and formed new intense strange bonds that I never saw coming. I am a person who really likes to be alone, but I am also a person who’s feeling a lot of love for the people around me right now, because man can it all disappear in a second. Today I am happy for gratitude in spite of deep deep grief, and a knowledge that all of our webs are so much stronger than we think they are. Hold each other close. Tell people you love them. The shit is not as deep as it looks. Trust me, I’ve trudged through some pretty deep shit.
(I really wanted to name this piece “Pretty Deep Shit” but I felt it would be tasteless and click-bait-y, also I like you to read to the end and putting weird stuff like that gives you a treat for sticking with me through some of the darker stuff)