Yesterday was World Mental Health day. As I previously stated I'm usually not one to follow up on these things, and this blog as of late has had less to do with art and more to do with the current cycle of struggles I've had. That's okay, if you don't like it you don't have to read it.

Let me tell you something about mental health care in this country, it's ugly. It's an EMT calling all "mentals" drug seekers. It's a human being sitting in a hospital bed while the nurses and doctors discuss whether or not to send them to a psych ward, because once you've gone once you're not trustworthy to tell them you're okay. It's being treated like shit because all you can do for healthcare after graduating college is apply for medicaid and swallow your pride as you hand them the card that says you are too poor to pay for your medical care. It's having to show up to an appointment an hour early so you can be processed by people who can't hide their disdain

It's friends disappearing because they can't handle the fact that sometimes you can't bring yourself to have a conversation let alone leave the house. It's friends deciding you're too manipulative to stay in their life, and there's some truth to that but my god give me a break my brain is trying to kill me.  You can't bring yourself to get out of bed. It's fighting every morning to go to work so you can be an acceptable member of society. It's friends deciding that a little distance is good because you're angry all the time. 

It's wishing that those same friends could read your mind and say hey, it's okay that you haven't reached out. I'm here when your ready. No one can read minds, but sometimes the silence is so constricting that you're afraid you're going to choke on your own words, so they never come out. 

But it's also beautiful, it's people coming out of the woodwork that you never thought cared or thought about you. It weeds out the real friends from the ones who were just on for the ride, the fun version of your illness, parties, crazy stunts, but they're never there for the aftermath. It's one of your best friends giving up her morning to drive you to an appointment that you never wanted to make in the first place, and holding your hand because your heart rate is so high they had to check it three times. It's a kind word from a stranger, a text message from someone you haven't spoken to in a long time. 

Let me tell you about mental health care in this country. It doesn't work, it's broken. The doctors and nurses are overworked and underpaid.

But then theres people surrounding you that stick with it, because lets be honest I'm not an easy person to be friends with.  People to remind you that gratitude is a beautiful way to start healing, and anger is not a healthy emotion to hold on to no matter how hard you try.