"i saw the future, and in it i was alive"

"See when I'm up I don't kill myself because holy shit there is so much left to do
and when I'm down I don't kill myself because then the sadness would be over, 
and the sadness is my old paint under the new. The sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder. I'd still be me without it, but I'd be so boring."

-Neil Hilborn

you can find the full poem here

i have been writing this blog post for well over a week
i started it during invisible illness week
i thought i'd get it done that week
you know, to share about the invisible illnesses
but my invisible illness doesn't have a time line
at least not one that lines up with awareness weeks
i spend a lot of time thinking about doing things
that rarely get done
it doesn't have a timeline for
friends going out, or essential organizational skills
my invisible illness like all others doesn't bend to my command
as much as i wish it did,  it doesn't listen when I try to tell it
that maybe it's not such a good idea to go exploring under my skin
you are not a doctor, you are not a scientist, that is their job not yours
maybe it's a bad idea to stay cemented in my bed when I have a day off
i try to move but i can't. i can't. i am a statue with shallow breathing
and a dazed look on my face after not leaving my room all day.
maybe it's a bad idea to test out how far you can fly
maybe it's a bad idea to throw all your artwork out
because it's just not good enough and you're angry
maybe it's not a great idea to walk around in freezing weather
with no shoes and a t-shirt
but my brain says isolate yourself
don't reach out
they don't care
they've got their own troubles
i'm stronger than it is
it gives me empathy and charm
it gives me patience
the anger and the gratefulness balance out eventually
and the reality is is gives me superhuman strength
i can save my life. that's superhuman. 
it's a terrified child trying to take revenge on
someone who didn't mean to hurt it
it can't take my life
no matter how hard it tries.