"You will be happy again, you will, you will"
There's a moment before I make a change in my life whether for the good or for bad where I sit frozen in fear. My heart skips a beat, my brain slows and then speeds up again, like someone is pressing a remote control until my head spins just a little too much to actually make a decision. So I stay sedentary, it's too much of a risk, it's not enough of a risk, I'm running away, I'm not going to find something better. So I settle, fear so great that it prevents me from being great. I bite my nails, I draw blood, I pick a show to keep me company and I do the same thing I've been doing, maybe with a little more gusto, maybe I change enough so I can trick the people around me into thinking that I'm getting it together, sometimes I reach out, with just enough information to keep me here.
There's also a moment when my dreams get so big that I can't get them on the page fast enough, when the change is all I want, all I need. I crave it. My thoughts slow, I only focus on the one thing. The only thing. Because that's all there is in that moment right? That's what I want. And I will have it. I make something beautiful or ugly. I make plans larger than me, larger than life. I'm going to go so fast that you all will blink and I'll be somewhere else, somewhere better, somewhere above all the shit. I move quickly knowing the passion is only there for a moment, only there for enough time for me to watch it burn out.
Have you ever tried to catch smoke? Have you ever deluded yourself into thinking you succeeded?
There's this small corner of my brain, the safe corner, the one that tells me that life happens somewhere in between the extremes.
How boring is that in between though? How grey, how tired?
I am not a romantic, those moments of fits and starts are not what health looks like, it is not what adventure looks like. It is not what fun looks like.
In there the fear, the needing more, the anger, the sadness, the hate, the viciousness toward my own body.
I started out the New Year the day before the New Year, listening to music, and in some ways hearing it for the first time.
I had a moment, I closed my eyes as I sat next to a dear friend the words on the stage talking of oneness, talking of peace, promises of happiness that I believed, between tears and laughter and a little bit of confusion I felt a piece fall into place, maybe one I was missing all along, maybe one that was there but was rattling around for the right moment of familiarity of songs that I've known my whole conscious life. This feeling had only happened once before and I was lucky enough to thank the person for it. I was calm. I knew in my heart the changes were coming, and I was the one who had to make them, they were inevitable and important, but something about a familiar tune, that particular promise of happiness, those particular people surrounding me, strangers and friends, after months of being fire and ice I finally fell somewhere in between.
Somewhere to strive to stay. Somewhere so rare in my world it feels abnormal. I'd like to stay here though. Somewhere between being ice and being fire. Because as beautiful as fire is, it always burns out. As useful as ice is, it melts.
So for this New Year, I hope for nothing extraordinary. I hope for peace. I hope for stability. I hope to hold on to this new piece I was given on the last day of 2016.
peace, and thank you.