A Melancholy New Years: Plus Some Hope

I always try to be honest in these posts, I always try my best to put a good spin on things, and there will be some of that of course. There were amazing things that happened to me this year, but I'm not going to lie, I like many Americans are looking outside of our own personal year long thoughts and thinking about how the last year of relentless bad news, harsh words thrown around, literal Nazi's marching in our streets, and an administration that seems more interested in flexing it's muscles than actual diplomacy. 

I like most Americans am feeling scared and exhausted and lost. Right now I'm listening to an album released in 2014/2015, a year for me was a year of personal hell, one of sickness, and self abuse, and really terrible decisions but I almost miss the selfishness that came from being that ill, I had no energy to focus on anything other than keeping myself alive and trying to pass my classes (part of that probably came from understanding professors who could see I was struggling). Selfishness is sometimes a godsend. 

Take time for yourself this year, just not too much.

Now I have been forced to wake up to the reality of the good old USA, a reality that has been in existence long before the white supremacists became part of our mainstream vocabulary, and yes, they have been there all along.

So for the good things. 

I am so much more aware of what other people are going through, and while I cannot understand the struggle of a POC or an immigrant, I can shut the fuck up and listen to them when they tell me that something is contributing to their oppression.

I am also learning to research my own history, the queer people who came before me to fight a fight that in a way I fear I will have to join in again. At least we have a blue print. 

I have made some amazing friends this past year, people who I never thought I'd be able to call friends. Heroes that became mentors, and mentors that became friends. Strong role models that make me feel like I can make my weird dreams come through.

I became a better artist this year, I did not finish anything, but I have lots of concepts in the works, and I'm very excited about it. I shot my first album cover, I'm extremely excited about that. 

I also lost some people this year, people that I don't think I will talk to again for one reason or another, but I want them to know I hold nothing against them. It was not meant to be. 

I was describing to a friend that right now I feel like two different people, the one during the day (although it does not neatly fit into these two things, this is just easier), and the one at night. During the day I am confident, albeit shy, but happy. At night alone, I am inclined to inch towards to my darker demons. Maybe this year is the year that I consolidate the two, I've made it this far, it's not time to start fighting yet. 

I have been struggling with some agoraphobia, and leaving my house is difficult, so if you invite me places and I decline please don't give up on me. I'm not sure if that's an appropriate sentence to put in a wrap up, but I've been too chicken to write a whole entry on it so there it is. 

I don't actually believe that New Years makes a difference, you can start over any day of the year, but I suppose the tradition of the changing numbers makes it feel more real. I do know that this year I will continue making art, I will continue fighting, and I will continue to make mediocre decisions, because I am human, because setting unrealistic expectations for yourself is setting yourself up for failure. 

I will be going to bed before midnight, even though I am a night owl, I will be going to sleep so I can wake up to a new year and a metaphorical new start. 

So to quote my favorite quote I learned in 2017

It's Chaos Be Kind
-Michelle McNamara 


Much love,