Mourning the Way I Used to Create Work

For those of you who knew me before my early 20's you know that I used to be a force of nature, I used to not stop until I got what I wanted or made what I wanted or convinced someone else that I'm the one they need to make their artistic visions. 

Even in college, I worked through the dumpster fire that was my mental health, I somehow continued to create through three hospitalizations, two very traumatic ones, a suicide attempt, and just art school in general. Towards the end of my final semester I was happy with my work, I had a concept, it was good, and I was proud of my final product. I was a workhorse, as long as I had some sort of structure in my life I could bang out a project in a couple of hours and still go to bed at midnight. 

Now, with my mind more in check and my priorities are mostly not to go into complete bankruptcy and move the hell out of my parents house.

How does that affect the work though?  

First of all I have very little room to create, the studios and large study rooms as well as the dorms where I spent my first two years at MSU, had plenty of room to create large pieces, small piece, and dirty gross pieces that could easily be cleaned up because the floors were hard. 

Now my living space (a very small room) is piled with canvases and art supplies that are the opposite of organized. I'm not quite as quick as I used to be, psych meds slow you down, and going from manic to "normal" (I like to call it fake neurotypical) really changes the way that I create. I have to slow down, which isn't a bad thing, but it certainly is not the way I was used to working. I have to work full time at a job to be able to afford my supplies. I have a harder time keeping up with my social media presence because sometimes I'm fighting to get out of bed and interacting with people is draining. I make different art than I used to, and I feel like I'm starting over again, relearning and adjusting to my new way of doing things.

However as much as I mourn the way that I used to create, I understand that this is part of my growth as an artist. I hope its growth that will be a good thing in the long run, because dry spells are tough, and non-dry spells that have you creating shitty stuff are even tougher. 

I want my energy back, but it's also nice to sleep for more than three hours a night. I want my brain to be non stop, but I also enjoy my silence every now and then.  I suppose it comes to acceptance, which is a theme in my life quite a bit lately. I'm sure I'll get back into the swing of things, but I don't think I'll ever work in the way that I used to again, keeping myself alive and healthy is the most important thing.