keeping it at bay

I went to a concert on Saturday, and as usual I walked away a little bit better than I was before, I am a hard believer that allowing yourself to destroy the wall for just a few minutes before having to build it back up. I am not good at being vulnerable, but when I’m at a show or participating in art I can let my guard down, and then immediately after there was healing through kinship, mutual kinship, so the guard could stay down a little longer, enough change my heart, even if it was just a tiny bit. I think I might be getting better at being honest when it calls for it.

I was reminded more than once during the show what it was like to lose my grandmother and the extremely complicated relationship that I had with her, because just because a person has died does not mean it takes away the toxic aspects of your relationship. There were not many, but there were some. Instead of dwelling on this when I was reminded to let the show take me on the journey it needed to, I allowed the catharsis of the music and musicians work its way through . Open yourself up and then let it heal right I guess, I don’t know how many times it’s going to take for it to heal right, but I think I’m willing to lean in to the process.

I’m learning so much about myself from this process, but it’s also allowing me to be a better listener, it’s changed me as a friend. I’m learning more about the people I love because of this process.

I’ve started to believe it when people tell me they love me. I never used to believe it.

I think I might be on the way to truly loving myself, even if it’s a slow slow process. There is a darkness in me that will never go away but I think I’m getting better at keeping it at bay, or at least directing the anger in the right direction.

This was a bit more introspective than I intended to be, but it’s been an intense few days. In a positive way but it’s been intense