I’m having an extremely off day, when this kind of mood creeps up on me there’s usually not much to do but ride it out. I walked around the apartment, photographing, because there was an extremely low possibility of my wanting to go anywhere significant outside. Sometimes the anxiety wins especially when it’s sprinkled with some agoraphobia, the ratio has gone down significantly in recent years. I know myself pretty well.
The thing is, I don’t like writing about mental illness constantly, I have a lot of other interests, many of them run in the same circles but they are not all the same. Everything I do artistically I can find roots with my mental health, it is such a part of me that it influences pretty much everything I do. There’s also a constant feeling of fading into the background when you are as “high functioning” (I hate that phrase, but it’s the one people understand) as I am. The pressure to justify oneself is so high, sometimes high enough that you start to believe maybe you’re wrong.
I’ve learned though, no matter how intense these feelings get they always fade into the background one way or another. I hope for my sake they continue to do so. Everyone has a story, and every story has a hero that spends sometime doubting their ability to move on, to finish the fight, to work through the blood.
So I did what makes me feel good, and made some images that I’m happy with, I like discovering small things in new places. I took a nap with the cats, and I watched comedy. It was still and off day, one that probably will continue to be off for the next 24-48 hours, but at least I’m learning how to keep my head above water. I’m a damn fine swimmer.