I’ve spent the last couple of days trying to write this post, which means this is also an accountability entry for me because I have not written in nearly a week. I am stealing this from one of my friends, but if you see me in person ask me “what did you make today?” I’m really good at keeping promises to other people. I’m not very good at keeping them for myself. Maybe with some outside influence I’ll hop back on my game.
I’ve noticed that my default reaction to anything, good, bad, ugly, or in between is to pull away. I have a pretty good feeling that this is why I haven’t really had anything to say the last two weeks. Isolation is comfortable to me. My reaction to change is to pull away from people. I am not a religious person, I’m not even a spiritual person, but the last few days I’ve had a few instances of throwing my hands in the air and giving my life to the universe. Don’t get me wrong, tragedy I can deal with, I’m a pro. I think what’s happening right now is a gradual loss of emotional numbness, which is definitely a really positive thing for me in the long run. I don’t think I’ve felt things this intensely and consistently since I was a kid, again, a good thing, It’s just, numb was comfortable. Numb was easy. Numb was kind of a dream. Only really intense stuff broke through that carefully constructed iron cage I created around myself. I’ve let down some of those walls and I’m seeing and feeling the world for the first time in a very long time. I don’t regret putting them up, I needed them at the time, I needed to protect myself. Now I’m not sure if I do. We’ll see. I tend not to trust stability of any kind, including the emotional kind, because statistically it doesn’t ever last long for me.
I would like to point out that this is not an excuse for me vanishing on people. I know I do this. I don’t mean to, but I do. I’m working on it.