So you know when you’re on the highway (of course this was prompted by me driving, if you hadn’t noticed I’m always driving) and someone does something stupid. Cuts you off, scares the living daylights out of you, makes you miss your exit, generally acts like a typical New Jersey driver (I can say that I’m from here). You think god they deserve to - and then you stop - and come up with the most inconvenient but least destructive thing like “get stopped at all the red lights” or “get where they’re going five minutes late anyway” because you’re trying to be a good person and even though you don’t believe in god but you think maybe some good karma wouldn’t do you so bad?
Anyway, that little weird rabbit hole got me thinking about resentments that I hold in my heart, that I can let go a slight like that from a complete stranger, but I don’t always confront or put the effort in with the people I truly love. These are not resentments against people who have truly hurt me, that is different, that is forgiveness I do not have to give, but resentments about people I love.
I think right now I’m looking for the bravery to have these hard conversations, and I have successfully had one. A couple of months ago Rachael and I had a fight, what felt like a friendship ending fight. This was extremely significant to me, and I will not speak for her, but we had been friends for nearly twenty one years. We had been to war and back together. What the fight was about is insignificant, because what it was really about was years and years of not telling each other how we actually felt in an attempt to either spare feelings or manipulate situations. We were both sick, which is not and never will be an excuse, but it was an added stressor. We both overreacted to some parts, and under-reacted to other parts. We were not listening to each other, and I at least was choosing not to deal with the problem at all. Eventually I realized that throwing away that much history and that much true love was ridiculous, we needed to learn to be 25 year old friends instead of teenaged friends. We succeeded. We sat down and looked at each other and had a discussion.
However this is not my usual MO, I let things fester, and I think I really have to work on that, I am lucky for the friendship I have with Rachael, that there’s no doubt in my mind that is a bond that will not be broken. We are both stubborn and pigheaded but we both realize what’s best for us.
I guess the quest is to take this one time thing and apply to other relationships in my life, because mutual honesty was certainly a way to strengthen a friendship. Here’s the thing though, I’m a known chicken, so there may be no discussion and I’ve just written a terribly cryptic post naming no names except the one that I’ve worked through my resentments with already.
Here are some cats as a pre-emptive apology