This has been a blank page for a long time, it’s not because I don’t have anything to say, I have a lot to say but very little organization in my thoughts tonight. I try to not write about my day, because it’s boring and repetitive, and if I told you the exciting things that happen at my job I’d have a lot of really angry Bergen County Ladies try to get me fired. Seriously retail is wild. I am once again at a transitional point in my life, moving again, from one place to another. I lived in the same place for a very long time, and then I lived in the next place for a very long time, so this displacement is uncomfortable, but welcome for now. However if I have to move again anytime soon I think I might just choose my car, I have a good sleeping bag.
I never really felt like this current apartment was home, it is cold and too quiet. It was a place to hang my hat until I figured out what to do with myself. After my grandmother died everything was kind of ripped away all at once. I needed a reset, and that’s what I got here. I know this new place will be better for me, because it already feels better for me. The concept of home for me is so imprinted in my mind as a blue house with a massive evergreen in the front yard, sometimes I wonder if that tree is still there. The tree my brother and I used to hide under and try to climb through its thick branches. I also wonder what color they painted my walls, which I stubbornly insisted on a deep deep red, which admittedly later gave me some satisfaction when I realized how hard it is to cover red. Sometimes I think about the times my friends and I would spend hours in that basement, we grew up there, I wonder if the new owners have kids that spend hours in the basement with their friends.
But that is no longer mine, and it hasn’t been for a very long time, and no I will never go back to see if that tree is still there, because for me it will always be. It has to be. I have become a bit of a chameleon though, it happened very quickly, it’s become almost a game for me to create home around me wherever I am. Whether it’s some small comforts that end up where I do, immediately finding a good bakery, or holding my loved ones closer to me when I need to do a little leaning on them for a while.
I will be back tomorrow with more babbling or a poem or maybe a letter from a fictionalized survivor of the impending apocalypse.
remember that there are people who love you beyond comprehension
take care of each other