Life is weird and hard and beautiful right now. I am physically sick, though on the mend, I have an uncertain and frankly terrifying future when it comes to my mental health, which I might get in to tonight in depth, I might not. We’ll see where the blog takes me. I have no plan right now. I am happy for the most part, things are going well, I’m feeling creative, I’m back consistently practicing art, I have a project where I get to collaborate with some pretty amazing people which I’m excited about. I feel more of a connection with the people around me than I have in a long time, and all of that is why I’m terrified about what’s going on.
There are not many of you left that knew me when I was really sick, a few very close friends and family stuck around, but it was not easy on me or them. I don’t blame those of you who left for leaving, it was hard. I do not apologize I was sick, but I understand. I was high, angry, manic, depressed, dangerous and suicidal. I was hospitalized three times, I barely remember at least two years of my early twenties. I spent days not sleeping or eating. There’s more of course, but no one needs a sob story.
Now I’ve been stable for the most part for years, with bumps in the road, but never anything that pushed my loved ones away. I have time to work this out, but that doesn’t make it feel any less like there is a sword hanging over my head. I try my hardest not to scare the people around me, I don’t always make the dark joke, I use metaphor or past tense references when talking about my mental health, I wear long sleeves, I make myself acceptable to you, to society. I keep my mouth shut when I have something outrageous to say for fear of being taken seriously, I don’t talk openly about suicide, depression, mania, or self harm because it makes you uncomfortable.
Here’s the thing though, it’s time to start meeting those of us with mental illnesses halfway, because we make ourselves smaller and quieter until it’s so buried that we can’t fight anymore. Right now I’ve got a lot of fighting to do any not a lot of fight left, I’m tired. I have no doubt I’ll bounce back, I always do, but it takes a lot of reaching out to bounce back and I’m too tired to reach out. Losing my mental health support system so suddenly is not going to be easy.
I’m happy, I feel a lot of hope for my future, but I also feel a lot of fear, and I’m also very tired of screaming into the void.
I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I’m going to anyway.