I got a lot of feedback on my last blog entry, I really appreciate the responses and the ability to be honest without judgement, I’m going to try to continue the pattern, in hopes that maybe the long journey I’ve been on, and the long journey that I’m headed towards might help someone somewhere. The entries won’t be consistently about mental health because frankly it’s exhausting. That post took a lot out of me, it made me want to hide or delete it or learn magic to erase the tiny bit of vulnerability I showed from my kind friend’s minds. That’s the thing with mental illness, you show some vulnerability, you open up, and then you’re terrified that the person or people with whom you’ve opened up will be around for the fun part, the romantic part, because yes, there is a romantic part, but when things get messy people tend to turn the other way.
I don’t think that will happen to me, I have confidence in my circle, it’s small but it’s strong. I’d walk through fire for them, and many have and would do the same for me. Irrational thinking comes with the disease though, even on good days those thoughts eat away at your confidence. I’ve learned how to talk myself down from those thoughts though, at least for the most part with meditation and writing and making art I can usually keep any of the dark stuff at the peripherals, although as a few of my go to phone call friends can attest shit still gets very dark even with all of the therapy and art-making and meditation and medication sometimes that chemical imbalance is stronger than positive thinking and meds. So that’s when I make phone calls and always hope to high heavens that my people will never get sick of my often very circular talk.
I’m finally on the mend from the worst bout of bronchitis I’ve had in a long time, new antibiotics and I feel like a new person, I even got some cleaning and some painting (poorly) done today. I am feeling tentatively positive that I’ll be able to figure this insurance thing out before I have to have a gap in said psych meds. I also know I have a small and mighty army behind me. I can do this. I’m going to keep repeating that until I really believe it.