Changes

IMG_4452 copy.jpg

I rarely post photographs of myself on my blog, but I changed my hair today, I change my hair drastically for two reasons, an upset in my life, or a huge change. Right now I’m dealing with both, I am filled with a sort of hope and excitement that I haven’t felt since undergrad, I feel like I’m moving toward a place in my life where my passions and other’s passions are going to lead to learning. I am an artist because I want to be a student forever, I love to learn. On the other hand my life has been significantly upturned majorly four times, watching my grandmother die, and moving three times all in less than a year. I am doing an exceptional job holding it together, if I do say so myself, but there are a lot of emotions that go along with it. I think partially through this writing project (and years of therapy) I’m dealing it in the healthiest way I think I ever have, and I’m pretty goddamn proud of that. Maybe I’m numb to the chaos, maybe I’m becoming a sort of well adjusted, who knows?

I think this slow build since I graduated undergrad has led me to this. It took me a little longer, to get past the arrested development caused by losing much of my youth to mental illness. I’m learning how to stand up for myself, I am less reluctant to ask for help. I believe people when they tell me they love me and I truly mean it back. I’m still stubborn as hell, but I’ve stopped almost all destructive habits in my life. For someone like me, this is probably not permanent, but I’m realizing each time I crawl out of a hole I get better at it, faster at it, and the holes get shallower.

There are so many obstacles put in front of people with chronic illness both mental and physical, many of those issues would be resolved by things like universal healthcare, jobs that don’t change your hours weekly, fair pay, and all of those things would be helpful to everyone.

I digress, it’s a really good feeling to want to make things again, there's something missing in me when I don’t have that drive.

Anyway, here’s to a few more weeks of chaos, and then to starting over.