As I’ve said in my past few blogs, despite the chaos surrounding my life, and the kind of hurt confusion I feel about certain relationships in my life, I’m feeling good, and not in a “holy shit Bri’s going to do something stupid” kind of good, but the unfamiliar strange calm feeling I’m unaccustomed to. It’s weird how easily we fall into the trap of becoming comfortable with being unhappy, while mental illness is sometimes uncontrollable, we have to make sure that we strive for some sort of contentment even if we’re uncomfortable with it. For me it’s always feeling like the other shoe is going to drop, but at this point I may have hit three different rock bottoms in a very short period of time, there is no other shoe to drop for me. I’m prepared for just about anything, I mean there are a few specifics that I know I’m not prepared for but I’m not going to go through any of those things tonight, it seems depressing and unhelpful.
Anyway, I’m so used to being uncomfortable that any type of peace is weird, like I’m missing something and my thoughts are the wrong weight. I’m aware of how off and concerning that sentence is, but it’s the best and only way I can explain myself. I’ve been happy before and unable to create work, I’ve been sad before and unable to make work. Now I am uncomfortable being comfortable and therefore in a creative space of mind. I hope it lasts, I hope that some semblance of peace and consistency in my outside life will lead me and keep me on a path of unfamiliar comfort.
To a tiny slice of peace