Before I start this post I would like to say how exhausted I am. I am moving, I have spent hours doing research for this post, and I don’t think I will even put a dent in what needs to be said. I have spent emotional labor finding articles and stand up for you boys to consume, take in, take to heart, and start this learning process that you seem so passionate about.
You should be doing this work.
In the past few days I have felt both heard and dismissed, amplified and talked over, angry and all sorts of confusion and chaos when it came to the responses I’ve been getting. I’m hoping to get them clarified, I’m hoping for some real change, but the bar is set so low right now I’m sure any type of change feels refreshing, but as I’ve said in comments responding to my other post, we have seen this before.
The following is the follow up post to my letter to the Declaration of Male Allies. Before I begin, I’m going to clarify some comments I made in the responses to the comments of the post, I do not apologize for anything that I wrote in that entry, I stand by the strong language, the righteous anger, and the underwhelmed feeling that many of my sisters and I feel.
A friend who I have been speaking to in the aftermath of the start of this conversation gave me a good pull quote for this blog entry so I’m going to use it.
“Even if you put the big, nasty transgressions aside,
a lifetime of micro-marginalization [and aggressions]
can add up to a whole pile of righteous rage”
So here’s my new challenge, before we continue this conversation. I’m going to give you boys some heavy lifting, but in fact, this is still me doing the emotional labor of all this research, and crowd sourcing from other more well read friends of mine. I urge you to read through, watch, and absorb the variety of voices I’m going to put into this entry.
If your reaction is “I do not have time for this” you are not doing what you set out to do. Period.
First, some definitions, according to Merriam-Webster.
1. The theory of political, economic, and social equality of the sexes
2. Organized activity on behalf of women’s rights and interests.
1. Prejudice or discrimination based on sex, especially discrimination against women
2. behavior, conditions, or attitudes, that foster stereotypes of social roles based on sex
1. Social organization marked by the supremacy of the father in the clan or family, the legal
dependence of wives and children, and the reckoning of descent and inheritance in the male line.
2. A society or institution organized according to the principles or practices of patriarchy
1. a hatred of women
1. The one most people think about. Openly insulting, objectifying and degrading women.
1.Less obvious. Kind of seems like a compliment, even though it's rooted in men's feelings of
superiority. It's when men say women are worthy of their protection (off the sinking boat first) or that
they're more nurturing than men (therefore should raise children).
These are just a few, I am linking an article here with some further definitions that include language related to race, sex, gender, and some internet slang that may not be recognized right away.
Now to ease you all in I’m going to start with some important stand up comedians.
Hannah Gadsby: Nannette: a master class in marginalization and trauma
Bridget Christie: Stand Up For Her, some good laughs, some unique perspective, and some excellent physical comedy.
The Degenerates on Netflix
There are so many more, so many more important voices, but I think this is a good start.
Essential viewing for those who identify as “good men”
Hannah Gadsby: To the Good Men
Here are some articles, which I will continue to add to as I get them in from the crowd sourcing I’m doing.
Read her twitter, read her books, read her essays
And while we’re at it, a conversation between Hannah Gadsby and Roxanne Gay
The Grey Area in the Me Too Movement
I know the man this piece is written about, we went to college together. He has been accepted back into the journalistic circles, he appears to be an ally and a leftist, but from stories of people he victimized in college, I know for a fact he is not an ally. This is why we do not trust initiatives like this, this is why we have trouble with follow through or with people claiming they will fight for us. We’ve fought for ourselves for so long, we are used to it.
This one is not only for the men, but also for the women. Folk music is overwhelmingly white, and the idea that POC do not want to play in folk music type venues is complete horse shit. Just like the idea that it is impossible for you to find women to play in your bands is complete horse shit. Go to a college, find a bad ass brilliant music student. I guarantee they’d be thrilled to play with you.
This is another one that is for both the men and the women. There was shockingly little language involving the LGBTQ+ community in any of the posts or follow up posts. We cannot solve all of the inequality issues in one fell swoop, but to exclude the language completely is unacceptable. Non binary and trans folks need to be included in this conversation.
Stop using allyship to score brownie points. We do not buy it anymore.
This is a start, this does not touch the nuance or extent of conversation that needs to happen in this conversation, and what I think is headed towards actual debate, not online debate.
Do not talk down to us, we have seen this before. Do not do the mansplaining thing. Read the posts on facebook, carefully and take them in as well as the very few resources I have provided here, there has been an incredible amount of intelligent strong women bringing up very important points that according to your responses I’m not sure y’all have been reading and or taking in.
If you have further resources or thoughts please feel free to add to the comments. This was a lot of work, and I have not even scratched the surface. So this is your homework boys, read and absorb, do your own research and work, then come back with a better understanding before we continue this conversation.