I can’t really begin to express what’s happening in my life right now, it is a weird amalgam of the purest joy and some of the darkest thoughts I’ve had in years. I am grateful for a support system that does not judge, or stays on the phone to make sure I’m still okay. Or brings me tea at the end of a long day, but there’s only so much piling on one person can take, there’s only so much bad luck or bad karma or just chaos where you want to retreat into a place where it can’t touch you anymore. I tell people it is a healing pain, and I truly believe that, I tell myself it is a healing pain, but when it keeps getting ripped open over and over again theres not enough time to start that process. I also think I don’t reach out until its a crisis, I’m not going to lie things came to a bit of a head yesterday, between worrying about my physical health (more on that eventually, I am not ready), and fully neglecting my mental health because of all the good things happening, it was crisis and a scary one once I fully realized how deep in it I was, and it’s also not the end, things don’t go away after one intense night, which brings me to my second point, I am afraid of scaring people off, I am afraid that if I really said what was going through my head it would change the way people think about me. A lot of the times I am ashamed and guilty putting things on people, especially those I love, I don’t want to give them anything else, being alive is hard enough.. I want to keep loving the people I love, and I want them to continue loving me back.
Then of course there’s the whole human connection of the thing. People love to feel heard and they love to listen. We are curious, nosey, and many of us would walk through fire for the people we love; so is my guilt worth it? Probably not, but no matter how many times I check in with any of my friends “is this too much?” they always say no, and I try my hardest to be that person for them as well. I also try my hardest to believe them the first time, trust your people, and your people will be more honest with you.
What I’m trying to say is right now it’s really hard, I’m having a hard time reaching out except for a very limited group of people. I feel less alone than I have in years, but I also want to isolate myself. I have the most hope for my art practice, but I’m still having trouble starting the thing. I said before to someone, it’s so human it’s boring, it just feels like a disaster because we are the ones experiencing it instead of looking on from the outside.