I started working on our garden this morning, it doesn’t really look like I did much, but I’m happy with the amount of work I did get done, tomorrow after work I think I will start our vegetables in the pots because its going to take a long time to make the patch flat enough to plant things on. It’s good here. I’m settling in, it got really dark for a really long time, now I feel like I’m finally on the other side of it. My eyes are adjusting, things are clearer. A lot of that stagnant feeling was because I was afraid to move forward, but I suppose clarity comes after great risk. I know what I have to do now and it feels really good. I use this space as so many different things, and one of those things was a to keep some sort of creative practice when I literally could not bring myself to do anything else. Writing here, even though it occasionally feels like screaming into a void, (I’d love to hear more from people who read this thing) has given me a way to be next to the visual art world without feeling like I was giving it away. I’m coming out of that though, back to working both visually and in audio, and it’s really exciting. I attribute part of that to this new place I am in where I can do both artistic and physical work and feel like I am a part of something.
I worked with the earth today, and it felt good. I will work with the earth again tomorrow because that is the kind of energy I need to share right now that’s what I need to be around. Community, music, outside, art. This past month, this leg of my journey, has been hard but it has been consistently up hill, it has been working towards happiness and it feels so good. I think I deserve it, and it’s allowing me to feel differently about the anniversary that is coming up for me and my family. I am so grateful to be here, to know the people I know, and to feel a real change from a month ago.
I know dips are inevitable, it is part of life, it is part of illness, but I think we need to celebrate the highs the most passionately we can, because being human hurts. So why minimize when it doesn’t? Almost always it is easier to focus on what is bad, and that’s not because we yearn for attention, it’s because bad feelings are so huge we give them power that they don’t earn. Happiness and joy on the other hand is so fragile, it weighs less so it is easier to be outbalanced. So now I jump at the chance to nurture it when it is lighter than my pain, because by nurturing it it grows and then it’s harder to shatter. So each time I come back with a happiness that’s harder to shatter.
I am still an extremely logical and practical person when it comes to this kind of thing, I am just choosing to believe I’ve got some sort of control over the matter. I could use a cushion at this point in my life.
until next time