It is a lot to share this much with you, when you meet me in real life you would not think the same person that is in these pages is standing in front of you. I don’t know if you know me better or worse through what I write, and I worry about that all the time, is this type of exposure healthy? I love to share myself and my ideas with you, but do you gain something from it? I am feeling especially vulnerable at the moment, I think I am starting to process something unnamed thus-far, but it always turns out for the better. I am so unbelievably content for the first time in a very long time, but there is still a looming darkness that is with me, and is expressing that a good idea for you, reader? I worry about you, that I might say the wrong thing and hurt someone. I worry I am being both way too honest and heavily edited and curated.
I am coming up on a year very soon for this project, and I have l learned so much from it, but reader, I am not sure where to take it from here. Have I created somewhere that should take safety over art? Is that what I want? I have always been a risk taker, sometimes larger and more idiotic ones than others, so why do I write these entries with you in mind. Is it because I love you? That I want to protect you from some of the darkness? Probably? But don’t I advocate for normalizing expressing feelings? Of course, but if they are toxic or too much for a person to handle than you need to find another person.
I think what I’m getting at is I don’t know if I’m being completely responsible to myself or any readers in what I’m doing. I don’t know if this means to stop and write for myself for a while, or to keep writing but change subject matter, or dedicate myself to really doing that. In order to do the last one I’d have to be the person who writes on here and is unrecognizable to a person in real life. I’m having a lot of complicated feelings about responsibility and safety and choosing that over art, as well as feeling like there are things that need to be expressed on a page and in a fire.
I don’t know if the blog will change, it will, it inevitably will, but thanks for sticking with me this long, and answer my questions for once in the comments it’s been a year.