Pivotal points of our lives lead us to reassess who we are becoming and how we are perceived, and I think my journey over the past few years in particular is one that needs to be told in completion and in its ugly truth. However at the moment I am not ready for those thoughts or words to be made public. For now, I’m going to write two pieces with every entry, a piece to be shared when I have figured out the best way to handle the subject matter, and a piece about the process of working through a difficult subject while trying to do the least damage to the people around you. Minimal loss.
This might be a frustrating type of entry to read, so feel free to skip them. I will still be writing most of my normal programming, which usually comes from driving on the Garden State Parkway. I am a moderately sadder much gayer Bruce Springsteen, I care just as much about unions.
So here’s my first process piece, the only thing that pulls me is the romanticization, and putting it out there like that I always fear more harm than good. How many artists put very little thought into the ethics of the work, and how many artists are like me and obsess over the ethics of the work? Right now all I can think about is the ethics, only it’s affect on other people, and I can not wrap my head around the fact that writing this piece for the world to see would benefit me and it would probably benefit other people, it would add to understanding for those that have never had this experience. I still wonder if I do more harm than good, and I obsess over it, which is the most frustrating thing about me as an artist.
I used to be unafraid of risk in my work there are photos on this website and my instagram that prove that but for some reason with this particular project the reader comes up so often when I am editing pieces. I have never felt this kind of responsibility as an artist, and there is very little interaction with the entries anyway. So why am I feeling this brutal weight to choose safer words, to protect, to speak around. As a human being with empathy I want to keep you safe, but as an artist that feelsI need to mercilessly look into my own self to create work and to continue to be better I want to be honest. In a lot of ways this is a performative piece, I am not this person when you meet me in life, it takes a while break down these walls, I am different here, and as I am in a pivotal point in my life I am also in a pivotal point in my art-making. I’m not sure I want to continue to be the protector of other people’s feelings, I’ve done that most of my life and I’m tired of it.
Instinctually protecting people you love is not something you just turn off, and to be honest many will find my stories boring, everyday, average, but I’d like to present them to you in a way that I feel is a little different than other places. You just might have to bear with me while I figure out the best way to do that and not hurt anyone, so if you’re still with me, normal posts will be titled something random, while process posts will just be called Process and then a number, so you can skip them if they aren’t your thing.