process 3: by the time you read this

Maybe by the time I’ve gotten the guts to write this for the world, this will have changed, and I will be at peace with it.

I am wondering today about how much honesty I am holding back for fear of having to hold myself accountable. I write in this grey notebook the really hard stuff. I doodle on the backs to make it easier on myself. However I’ve been thinking a lot about personal accountability lately, and how I, will allow an opinion or history of myself to become more true because I feel it’s easier on the people around me. I know there are some of you that will completely understand and not judge, but I am also confident there are others who just won’t get it. Which is fine, I feel very little responsibility towards those who will not understand, but I still feel some.

I am really good at holding myself accountable for the things that I want to see, but almost always I am terrible at doing the same thing to parts of myself that I do not want to accept are there. There is a beautiful amount of self-awareness in my life, but with the good kind of self-awareness comes the painful kind, the kind that sees the accident happening and still is like, nah I’m going to let it keep going because this feels good. So I pick and choose, like any human would. Hold yourself accountable or let the action feel good, and I am, like many things in my life, split down the middle on that one. I know what I believe, it’s just placing it into action.

This one was hard to write, not because of the subject matter but because I truly don’t want you all to know what the other entry was about in my little grey book. I think this was kind of a breakthrough to me though, because now I know what the harder parts of this whole thing is and it’s the subject that I attempted a piece on today. I think realizing the small bits and pieces that are going to be more difficult in the long term process is important early on, I think anticipating them but not dreading them is super important. I also think decision making as to when in the process you as an artist wants to tackle the emotionally difficult parts of the process.

As always

talk to you soon