I’m having a day, one of those days where I feel completely stuck art practice wise, it’s coming more and more frequently the longer I work in a corporate type place where the money is the goal. I’ve had a few days off and I’ve been able to make more art and plan more things that I have in a while, but I’m also feeling incredibly lost, lonely, and frustrated. Then there’s the guilt, I shouldn’t be lonely, I live with really wonderful people and I have friends who will be there at the drop of a hat. Frustration is hard to get over but my energy level is so low most of the time that it’s hard to get out of bed when I do have the rare day off. There’s an incredible amount in healing in having a few days off, despite the pain, because we’re all burned out by our jobs.
I feel like I’m never going to break through that barrier of being as behind as I am financially. It’s the reality of most of my generation, we are exhausted, we work too much at jobs in which we don’t want to work. It’s really difficult to write about process when the words I write in my private journal are sometimes too painful for me to even explore. Saying them out loud to someone might help, but I as most humans are afraid of showing their dark sides to people. I always fear because of my history there will be overreactions or lectures.
I am presenting a different person to the world, but the process I’m going through now in my notebooks shows a different side of me that part of me relishes, I love the darkness, I love living there, but it also presents a very different person than most of you have grown to at least tolerate. I am afraid of speaking some of those words out loud for fear of judgement, and I’m afraid of not speaking those words out loud for fear of it eating me alive.
Maybe as artists we are meant to share more of ourselves than the general population, that’s why people tell us things. They see themselves in our work, but how do we protect ourselves especially when my style is often as blunt and honest as I can manage without completely ripping my heart out. It’s scary, it’s opening us up to having the world know we are as broken as they are, we just channel it differently. Sometimes things feel unforgivable. I always wish to share with at least another soul before putting it out there, but I also fear the potential damage of that trusted person.
Empathy and politeness are so engrained in me, I am blunt when I need to be, but when it comes to needing to share a secret I suck.
Hopefully next entry will be less of a bummer, I’d like to point out that I’m pretty happy, just digging stuff up that I wasn’t expecting to hit me as hard as it has.