Last night I sat down and wrote about feeling extraordinarily vulnerable at the moment with everything that I create, even if it’s something that doesn’t have any significant emotional heft. There have been times when I’ve been very confident in my work, the last two years or so are not those times. Pride is different than confidence I think, and I always feel a sense of pride when I finish something or when it gets good feedback, but I don’t really feel confident in what I’m making.
I have written about this before, probably more than a few times in different iterations, and odds are I will write about this again many times because it feels like the big question in my work. I spend an inordinate amount of time wondering what is too much and what is not enough. I fear people not connecting to what I do, I also fear leaving too much of myself out there, both are really prevalent fears in my personal life as well. I am not afraid of a lot of things but anxiety and a healthy imagination about other people’s perception of me have given me those two big ones in excess.
That’s what these process writings are supposed to answer for me eventually, where is my balance, why am I so frozen all the time, and when I’m going to really do something about it. I am realizing that luckily I am not low on ideas, I am low on energy. Honestly, I don’t know which one is harder to fix.
Anyway, there are no answers today, and to be honest I could close my eyes right now and go to sleep at 8:36 pm. I won’t, I’m going to paint for a bit, but I could.
Until next time