Not in THAT way (if you’re chronically ill or have a mental illness you know exactly what I mean). I’m having trouble making art, I’m always having trouble making art because my one insight that I’ve gained from going to partial is that I’ve never actually thrown myself completely into recovery. This time I am, hopefully that means this time I can get a formal art practice going. Turns out you can’t create when you’re paralyzingly depressed. Who knew. (I did)
I’m not going to lie, I’ve had zero interest in photography for a while, I took no photos at Falcon Ridge, a first for me. It hurts not wanting to do the thing you really love, but I have managed to keep painting and drawing a little. The nice thing is I can see myself getting better, and I can see myself developing a really specific style which I’m also really excited about. Right now though I’m even having trouble doing color pieces with the exception of the ones I did at Falcon Ridge, I love color, my favorite thing about watercolor is mixing the paints. So the other day I picked up a piece of charcoal and I told myself I needed to put something on that paper, I love to write, but I am a visual artist. I did. It felt good to lay it down heavy and dark and then use my fingers for shading, it’s a little more aggressive than watercolors, and the pieces come out moodier. They also still feel like me, which to be honest I’m in a spot where I feel like I’m never going to feel like me again, I recognize that as irrational and untrue. It’s really reassuring to see in the art though. I am still me.
So right now, I guess I’m drawing with charcoal. Keeping it dark because the thoughts are dark right now, and sometimes the art has to follow. I hope what follows is an urge to take my camera out again, light is my favorite medium despite the dark times. I think collaborations I have planned will keep me making photographs until I get better.
take care of yourselves