Pause

I’ve started this post about ten times, typically I plan out what I’m going to write on my drive to or from places, today I tried, but my mind is kind of blank. I’m having trouble remembering words, which is something that happens with depression, especially in the adjustment period of new meds. I’m riding out one hell of a storm right now, but there’s a cat on my lap and a small army of mighty and strong people behind me helping me try to weather it. Eloquence is lost on me, and I’m not sure when my brain will start firing on all cylinders again, so I’m frustrated. I’m climbing, I’m always climbing out of one hole or another, just waiting for some sort of harness to make it a little easier. It’s not easy, in fact it’s really fucking hard. This time, this time because I don’t have any other choice but to dive in it hurts to want to get better so badly. It’s a healing pain they say, but it’s still pain. It hurts to need to just focus on myself. It’s terrifying to open myself up like I have to in order to keep on this path of healing.

Trust takes a lot of time for me, and time is not something of which I have the luxury, so I’ve just got to let go and do it anyway. Time is moving in the strangest way, both too quickly and in slow motion, extremes are apparently my specialty. I spent all of Tuesday thinking it was Thursday. I wish I could find words to describe the exact feeling, I could try, somewhere in between having a steel cage around my heart, a wool blanket around my head and feeling everything so deeply it’s paralyzing.

I’ve never had to push the pause button on my life like this before, I’ve been working since I was fourteen, before that I babysat, after that I had projects and college and even when I was inpatient it didn’t take this much of my time and energy. I worry a lot about how often I’ll have to do this in my life, I spend a lot of time wondering if it gets worse from here what can I do? I spend a lot of time comparing myself to my peers and how successful I see them becoming, which is useless and infuriating because I’m not where I want to be.

However I can feel a little change in my mental energy, barely noticeable, but basic things that used to take all of my strength are a little easier, the big stuff is easier to talk about and think about. I still have no clue what even tomorrow will bring let alone a week or a year from now. I can’t imagine it so I might as well stay here, now, unfortunately and oddly, on pause. Like I’m back in high school except the stakes are much higher and I know a whole lot more, I don’t think I know a whole lot better though.

Anyway, I hope to emerge soon, I hope to be able to function somewhat normally after this, I still have hope.

love each other

bri