I ask this at the end, but I could use some encouragement texts, phone calls, or facebook contacting just to say hi, if I don’t answer right away, I promise I’m trying.
We as human beings have a habit of running away or making excuses not to have hard conversations. We avoid it, we make excuses, we run from our problems either external, internal, or conflict. It’s rare to meet someone who wants to face it head on. My life is changing somewhat drastically and rapidly, it hurts, but I’m not running, there have been a lot of tears and a lot of pain, but I’ve spent a good part of the last seven years running and I’m done. I’m done coddling the people around me to lessen the extent of what I’m feeling, I’m done mincing words when I’m feeling hurt. I’m done pretending I’m not hurt.
There’s a release of emotion that happens at the beginning of stability, it’s intense and sometimes it hurts the people around you, sometimes it alienates people, and sometimes it ends up isolating you more because most people just don’t understand, well, no one truly understands what’s going on in someone else’s mind but that’s more of a philosophical thing than anything else. The anger, sadness, resentment, fear, happiness, relief, intensity all happen at once and it’s overwhelming, it causes you to say things you would never say stable, it causes you to do things that you never would do stable, and it causes memories to pop up that you’d prefer not to have floating around constantly.
Right now the overwhelming feeling that’s following me around is fear, fear that I’m going to ruin relationships, fear that I’ve already ruined relationships, fear that I shouldn’t be calling my support system because they are sick of me. Fuck, I’m sick of me. I hate myself for some of the things that I’ve done, over the past few weeks, months, years, what have you.
I’m not used to feeling things all at once, I’m usually pretty good at compartmentalizing, but this past week I am decidedly bad at doing that, which could be part of the charm of recovery, but it is not charming to me. It’s been a bad week. There are so many things that I need right now, a new job, stability, some sort of direction. I don’t believe in astrology, but Saturns return might be a real thing. It’s been an exceptionally bad week, and for some reason I can’t see the end of the tunnel this time. I know it’s there, but I’m deep in it, whether it’s anxiety or depression or mania there I am. Sitting in it.
I am getting better, I can feel that, even though it’s so slow, but the balance is so hard. on the days I’m not in partial I’m looking for a job or wasting away in front of the TV, old habits die hard. On the days those aren’t happening I’m dealing with frustrating, sad, situations outside of my control. I’m never alone anymore, which is going to take some significant adjustment for this introvert. This is probably what rock bottom feels like when it comes to mental illness, and despite a positive outlook and complying to suggestions it’s frustrating how slow it goes. It’s frustrating that I can’t express everything for fear of hurting the people around me.
For now, I’m alive, I want to be alive about 80% of the time, which for now that’s all for which I can ask. The fact that I’m feeling all of these things, and so intensely means I’m still here, I’m still breathing, and I suppose as long as I’m still breathing I’m going to move forward for as long as I can.
I’m sorry for the depressing entry, it’s been a hard week. Little sleep plus external stressors make for a nasty Bri both in my personal life and otherwise. I could use some text messages or messages of encouragement because I don’t see this getting easier in the near future. It will gradually, but not noticeably for a while.
As usual, love each other