I’m in a spot right now that is kind of unfamiliar to me, typically I am either okay or not okay, or rather I’ve always perceived it that way. Right now I’m precisely in the middle, so precariously perched that a small wind could blow me one way or the other. There are things that are happening in my life right now that I don’t understand, that are unfamiliar to me, confusing even. I have learned over the years to deal with x, y, and z symptoms of this illness, turns out there’s a 1, 2, and 3 I could have never predicted. So I feel like on top of pushing the pause button on my life I am also pushing the rewind button, maybe not starting from the very beginning, but reworking old beliefs into new ones.
At this point it is the drive that surprises me, while there have been some pretty low moments even in treatment, I still seem to have some sort of drive in me to keep sticking around. There’s been a lot of hopeless days, but they can’t possibly be hopeless enough because I’m still stubbornly hanging around, excited to create, excited to explore new avenue’s, excited to really start my life. I have some sort of survival instinct even when my brain actively trying to kill me.
I am experiencing intense change in myself and in the surroundings around me and that is terrified. I am pretty terrified most of the time, but that’s what treatment is for. As usual I have to be a bummer and say that those dark days are still really dark, I still get lost in them more than I’d like to admit. Night time is especially hard for me. It’s getting easier to crawl out of those days for sure, but recovery is not and never will be linear. I am bouncing back faster, I am clearer than I have been in a really long time. I’m making decisions based on my own need not others. I’m getting better at reaching out. I’m even being a little social, if only for short periods of time.
What I’m trying to say, that going from almost completely nonfunctional to only some days non functional is a miracle in my book.
as usual, love each other