It’s weird walking into a room full of strangers and trusting them. It’s weird having those strangers have information on you that your closest friends don’t have. I don’t trust people easily, but in the amount of time that you have and the fact that hell, they’re going through the same thing I am, might as well talk. We don’t know each other, we barely know about hobbies or jobs or animals, but we know the really personal stuff, the stuff that get’s you looked at weird when you say it to the wrong person at the party, you know, the shit they’re a huge bummer face. The words “I’m doing fine” are the best words in the English language.
I can count on one hand the number of people that I share openly with in my personal life. In my lifetime it is something that goes up and down. I always wondered what made the person that person to me, how do I learn to be honest with myself and with my loved ones. What do those people have in common? Of course I have no answers for that and I probably never will. I am however grateful for the existence of my people, my small and mighty army that I would also walk through coals for.
What I think I am trying to say here is find your people. Find your people who will show up no matter what time of day or nigh it is. Find your people who will stay on the phone with you until you are okay. Find your people who are willing to fight the doctors with you. Find people who believe you, but also know when to push you. Find people who challenge you, you will not get better without being challenged.
There are dark days ahead for me, and scary days ahead for me, but I’ve surprised myself this time, the hardest darkest place I had ever been, and instead of dying, which was the easier route, this time I chose life. It feels good, Scary to have a modicum of stability for more than a day at a time, it’s rare so rare I don’t trust it right now, night time is always hard, I feel things at night.
In this project I always tried to censor myself, and of course editing will come through because some things are my business and somethings are not okay to put on the internet. I’d like you all to go on this journey with me, I’ll still write about art, especially since I can tentatively say I’m working on something. Right now my journey is my health and navigating a system that without assistance is designed to make you fail.
Hope is something I want to keep touching on, I’m not a hopeful person, frankly the human race is doomed and we’re all just trying to do our best while we still can. I do have hope that I can deal with this. I do have hope that my life will turn around soon. I even have hope that most of you all wont run, if I can trust a room full of strangers, why can’t I trust you?
Love each other