Continuing on my quest from yesterday, I have lots of things to say, but I'm always terrified of saying them. I'm going to say them, and I might decided after posting this I don't want it out in the world, we will see.
Fear runs our lives more than I think we will ever truly acknowledge, and for me, for the most part, I tend to jump into things head first. I have an I idea and I run with it, I get tunnel vision, there is only that thing.
I'm not afraid to take a risk or of heights or of falling. I'm not afraid to walk down an unlit street at night, in fact most things that a person should have a healthy fear of I don't. What scares me is in my head, the thoughts and emotions that may not be appropriate for the time or place, the fleeting thoughts of ending my own life (don't worry, I am not considering suicide) however it has been a very real problem in my life before. I'm lucky enough to have survived the attempt and therefore I am here to pontificate to my friends and family on the internet, like any good millennial would.
I'm alive today in part because of those fears, knowing something wasn't right the second time so I could proactively check myself in. However there's still an incredible amount of shame and guilt that comes with it, every day I think about the people that I hurt with that attempt, it was three years ago, and I've moved on with my life and my health, but the shame and guilt are still there, recently stronger than ever.
I'd like to broaden this away from myself because that is the best way that I can deal with these feelings, and talk about the fact that as a person who is sick and at that point in my life I did not have the coping mechanisms or the knowledge that asking for help was okay. My family is and always has been supportive, but that was not something that was spoken about. No matter how many times a celebrity gets on TV or does a long form PSA saying "you are not alone" "call the hotline", that may help some people. However it will continue to be a problem if it is not spoken about at home, if mental health issues are spoken about at home, or in schools. I think the best thing that was ever said to me was it's okay to ask for help. That might be the simplest thing, but it will make all the difference to someone like me, or someone who didn't have the incredible friends and family surrounding them like I did.
Some things, as simple as they are still need to be said.
it's okay to ask for help.
it's okay to talk to me about this.
it's okay to be on medication
it's okay to have to go to the hospital
it's okay to not be happy even though everything is going right for you.
Most importantly, and I think this applies to every aspect of our society, especially in these trying times
I love you.