In Defense of Tears

"A doctor once told me that I feel too much,
I said so does god that's why you can see
the grand canyon from space" 

-Andrea Gibson

When I was young I was in a room and the music that was playing was so incredibly sad that I started crying, without any knowledge about what the words really meant or the reason why that particular order of words touched my soul at that particular time. I was crying for no reason and therefore was embarrassed, but my dance teacher pulled me aside and held me tight for the first and only time and told me to hold on to that emotion. Keep that pure reaction for as long as you can. And as most grown ups of course I have lost the ability to access that visceral reaction that I had so close to me, when being embarrassed was a thing that I could still shake off. Now instead of those beautiful tears younger me could access there is nothing, or the something that does happen is instead exposed as anger or sadness, but nothing pure. My default emotion is a mildly angry nothing. I miss being sensitive, I miss the idea that I can cry without feeling shame. At what point do we teach our children that being sensitive is a sign of weakness? Instead those who can feel deeply enough to shed tears whether because of overwhelming circumstances, sadness, loss, happiness, fear, or from nothing. Why not celebrate the humanness and strength of tears and the strength in vulnerability, and let yourself or your children cry and be proud because the tears prove you are human and you have the ability feel something. As an adult I miss the ability to feel too much. There are few things in this world as beautiful as someone who feels too much.

 

forever and a day

my heart beats with the thunder
I fall away this afternoon
my betrayal permeates my mind
I think of leaving soon
A year has passed
I've gone my way
with strange freedom
I feel forever and a day
my words are much more telling now
but I speak none but few
I'm trying to miss the constriction
but I'm seeing things anew
with great calm I find my place
writing my words
without my old grace.

the friend

Hold tightly! you used to
yell over the summer breeze force winds
we were flying on a ship
we were at war, standing
on the precipice of freedom for
our army of stuffed animals.
we would come in, covered with dirt
only wanting a cool drink
before going back to war.

Hey don't let go I timidly grabbed
the hanging strap from your backpack
we used to be inseparable
the lunchroom was a jungle
the playground even more so

Hey can you believe it? 
We're going away.

blackout
blackout
blackout

Hey, hold this for me. I need my ID
four shots in and nothing
but hey hows it going
how are the kids
how's the wife?

Finished

I turned to leave, cutting my losses
and you tapped me on the shoulder
and pulled me into a long hug.
Please hold tightly . 

 

the color

today I am posting a poem instead of a blog. Posts like this will have all lowercase titles. 

You made me strip the color out
denial, anger, depression, depression
depression. Acceptance.
I got used to the
safety being off but no
bullets in the gun.
they're in the drawer.
you know, just in case.
But then he told me
as his eyes lingered just a little too long
and his hands shift from his keyboard
that was the one thing about you.
The one thing?
the one thing what?
that made me, me?
was I not me anymore?
you know, the one cool thing
the one thing people, remembered
In that moment I knew
I needed it back. The one thing stopping
me from fading into oblivion
So I wove color back into my life
feeling free once more
But always with one eye open
Never with friends.
And never without feeling something
But hey, I heard they stripped the color out of you too.
That was the one thing about you. 

Welcome

My name is Brianne. This is my website. This is my blog. I'm not super comfortable with all of this, and I know a lot of artists who like to take themselves very seriously when it comes to their words about their work. I don't quite feel the same way, I like to explore uncomfortable subjects, uncomfortable for me, uncomfortable for my audience. So here I think I'm going to try to be a little more casual. I'm going to take it slow, sometimes talking about important things, sometimes write in a messy stream of consciousness way, sometimes post poetry our audio, sometimes I will try and inevitably fail at being funny. Who knows? This is, in fact my little slice of the internet, so I suppose I can do whatever I want with it. 

A little bit about myself, I graduated a very short time ago with a BFA in fine arts from Montclair State University. My senior thesis was on suburbia, a theme that always tends to pop up in everything that I do. At the moment I'm trying to find my footing, I feel like my voice is about 37% developed, which I don't think is a terrible place to be at 23 years old. I have a few sure things in my life I'm sure I love art. I'm sure I am interested in people. I am also sure that I like to observe those people from a distance. I like to have a solid piece of glass and metal in between me and the world. 

I like to try things that I'm not that great at, so I think that the blog will be where I post those. I'm not sure if I'll be posting daily, weekly, or randomly. 

Peace,

Brianne